Roe v Wade

!!! Trigger Warning !!!

I made a choice to keep my rape-baby who is now 15. The words rape-baby make me sick to even write down, but it’s the truth.

This is my story:

When I was 18 I had a one night stand with my roommate’s best friend. When my roommate found out he told me to date his best friend, at least give it a try because his best friend was broken up about it being a one night stand. So I did.

When I tried to break up with him, he started cutting himself and told me he needed my help to stop self harming. I was lured back and agreed to stay with him ’till he was stable on antidepressants. Not long after he stole one of my grandmothers rings from my apartment and proposed in my ’98 green Honda Civic after the Marine Corps Ball. Knowing how unstable he was I said yes because I was afraid to say no and be alone with him. I broke up with him again and called it off. Again he threatened to hurt himself until I agreed to come back again, he told me I owed it to him because he never would have been cutting himself if it weren’t for me.

In February 2006 his friends needed to go to the county clerk to sign marriage paperwork so he could get basic housing allowance. When we arrived he unfolded an unending barrage of reasons I should sign marriage paperwork too, saying it was not a big deal, saying he loved me, saying he couldn’t live without me and so on. After hours of begging I relented and agreed to go to the ATM to pay for the paperwork that I didn’t know was irreversible.

Once that paper was signed it was clear I was his possession. He owned me. He repeatedly would say things like ‘Nobody is ever going to believe your husband would…’ Not long after, the Marine Corps moved all my things to Colorado and I was isolated from everyone I knew and loved. He continued having me pay for everything with my savings, and asking my family for as much money as I could get from them.

He had me pay for a rental house in Aurora, CO. In March the snow was still heavy on the ground and my little Honda Civic could barely make it up the muddy roads. When the ice settled in it was very dangerous to drive, if not impossible. I was left alone in the cabin with his two year old son from a prior marriage while he left to finish Marine Corps paperwork. Friends forgot about me, my family all but disowned me, I was entirely alone and trapped. I remember one desperate call to my dad begging for money and explaining my situation I said I was “entirely fucked” my dad replied in a snarky tone, “I thought you liked getting fucked”.

When my abuser got back to the cabin he started supplying me with a never-ending amount of alcohol and pressuring me to do dehumanizing sexual acts. His most desired fantasy was being able to have sex with his best friend, so he started planning. He wanted me to seduce his best friend but only if his best friend agreed to let my abuser do sexual things to him as well. To him this was a consensual threesome. It was rape and trafficking me to his best friend.

My abuser held my hand (down) while his best friend told me to look into his eyes when he was inside me and watched tears run down my face. The two of them negotiated where on my body he was allowed to finish. He laughed and said if I got pregnant by his friend he would force me to have an abortion. When his best friend was ripping me open they discussed how they wouldn’t be able to use me later if I was too badly damaged. His best friends girlfriend (who he was cheating on) was asleep in the other room and my screams would likely wake her up. I had nights I had to hold ice between my legs.

This abuse continued for months. Until we moved to an apartment complex and eventually I decided to end it. I sat on the bathroom floor and resolved to bleed to death. I cut my legs deep one cut at a time until I was sitting in a puddle of blood. When he walked in he said with disgust in his voice, ‘Clean up that mess’.

I was allowed to drive my car around the parking lot and with the fear of god in my heart I called my ex boyfriend and said I was afraid for my life. He told me to keep driving since I was in the car. Forget about my things and just keep driving. I didn’t do that but I did think of a way I would be allowed to leave. I said if I visited my family in California and they saw I was doing well, perhaps they would give me more money. He said I could only leave if I agreed to stay at his mothers apartment while I was back in California.

The first night I didn’t return to his mothers house, he flew himself and his son to California to retrieve me. He found me and brought me back to his mothers house for the night until we could leave in the morning. He held me down my throat and raped me, telling me every kind of insult. I didn’t feel like I had the power to fight. On the road back to Colorado I remember sitting in the bathroom at a gas station somewhere in San Bernardino thinking if I could call anyone for help maybe I would be able to escape. I honestly didn’t think I was worth saving, I thought I was a stupid broken worthless doll unfit for anything but the trash.

On the car ride back to Colorado I told my abuser that I would continue trying to kill myself until I succeeded rather than be subject to living with him. He continued abusing me when we got back to Colorado. Sitting on the toilet trying to get the rest of him out of me he asked me, ‘You hate me so much you don’t even want me in you. You don’t want to carry my baby?’ I knew he was trying to get me pregnant.
Then he said I could go. He said he wouldn’t bring me back, I could leave with whatever I could fit in my car. I brought what I could and I brought the dog, a white American Akita, because even the dog should not be subject to the abuse I was, and he was sexually abusing the dog too.

I got back in school, I got a job, I found a place to live, I went to the health clinic.

I found out I was pregnant.

I made the choice to put the baby up for adoption because I could not imagine keeping his child. At the woman’s resource center the legal counsel told me because I had been married I needed his consent to put the baby up for adoption. So I called him and told him I was pregnant and wanted to put the baby up for adoption and he said I was a whore, it was not his, I was a filthy slut. Then he said, “No, I will not consent to you putting the baby up for adoption. I want you to suffer. I want you to wake up every night with a screaming baby and never be able to finish school.”

I never had the choice to put my baby up for adoption.

It took a divorce, a new marriage to a different man, and a step-parent adoption to legally get rid of his legal right to be in my life, to be able to show up on my doorstep at any moment and play Daddy to ‘his’ child who didn’t know him. I was raped for months on end by him and his friend and he had permission to enter my life at any moment. I lived with that fear for nearly a decade.

Overturning Roe v Wade means my story is going to become much more common.
IT MAKES ME SICK. It makes me angry. If my story is painful for you to read just imagine its your daughter, sister, mother, wife because unless something is done, it will be.

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